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Uh-Oh.

Guess what’s difficult? Dressing in all white.

I knew it would feel different. I figured it might be, like orange was, conspicuous (especially in December) but I didn’t think it would be this hard.

This is partly because I figured I had an ace in the hole in terms of pants. Last year, when I went to New York to see Liza Minnelli, Nan took me to experience the wonder and joy that is the Barney’s Warehouse Sale. It’s a glorious madhouse mess, with rack upon crammed rack of designer clothing marked down to prices that make you reflexively drop your jaw. To wit: I found a pair of white Balenciaga pants for — wait for it — just over twenty dollars. Twenty. They were crisp and clean and retailed somewhere around $600, apparently part of the label’s less-expensive “we’re roughin’ it” cruise wear line. Balenciaga. Twenty bucks.

So when I was separating all my clothes into their respective bins at the start of this project, I came across my Balenciaga white pants and thought, “Oh hell yes. White! I’m comin’ baby!”

Yeah, well, the pants look horrible on me. They don’t fit. I’m surprised they ever fit. They’re too big. Too big in the waist, too long in the crotch, way too long in the leg. These are pants for a tall woman. I am not a tall woman. Not tall enough for these pants. So now the only pants option I have is a pair of capris that, aside from being totally wrong for the weather situation, don’t fit me too well in the other direction. They’re a little tight. And tight pants are one thing, but tight white pants are something else altogether, especially if you’re wearing them in December. I need pants real bad, people. This is a problem.

Outside of the pants problem, the shirts and skirts that I have put together are all okay on their own, I guess, but together, nothing is working. I’m starting to wonder if white isn’t the most flattering color on a person who weighs more than about 100 pounds. I looked fabulous in my wedding dress, but I don’t think I could pull that off on, say, any old Tuesday. Plus, it’s in storage in Iowa.

Tomorrow, I will hit the thrift stores. I must find clothes. I must find clothes quickly, because I leave for D.C. on Sunday and there will be way too much to do to be fretting or shopping. If I were okay wearing any old thing, I’d be fine. But I’m not okay with that. I have to feel good in my clothes or I’m no good to anyone.

White, you are being difficult. I may have to call your mother.

(16) Comments

  1. white in winter is like the snow clouds blowing in. white in winter is cuddly and and etheral and pure like the new blown snow. white in winter is heaven on earth. two legs of pants and a fit waist and rise and hem will come. keep thinking white. keep dreaming white. i’m dreaming of a white christmas. hum.

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