Incidental Music: Britney’s New One

The Art/Life project dictates that I can listen to only one musical artist or group per month. This month is Robert Johnson and he’s mighty fine, if slightly repetitive on the fifth go-round. I’ve found that every artist sounds repetitive on the fifth go-round, probably because I’ve hit “repeat” five times.

But, and my friend Bosco asked about this the other night, I can’t help but hear other music sometimes. When I’m out and about, say, in a shop or restaurant, there is often music playing and I’m not going to stick cotton balls in my ears or ask the proprietor to turn the music off. Both ideas are pretty ridiculous, though walking around with big puffs of cotton sticking out of my ears would be kinda cute; much cuter than being the weird, monochrome lady who asks you to turn off the sound system in your deli when she’s ordering a sandwich.

So I hear other music because I can’t help it. Music is everywhere; I’ve become more aware of this since the project began. Thus, I heard Britney Spears’ new song, “3” the other day because the radio was on at the gym. (I’ll have you know I was walking on the very same treadmill where the Ethiopian man was de-pantsed the other day. It’s true!) In my opinion, exactly half of that song is really good. The other half blows.

I listened to the lyrics and thought that while I’m away this year, forsaking Britney for Robert Johnson, two individuals who, aside from being recording artists, really couldn’t be more different, pop music is rolling along just fine. Songs like “3” are hard at work, still causing coronaries amongst parents and upstanding citizens ‘round the globe, no doubt. I mean, with lyrics like:

Are you in?
Livin’ in sin is the new thing
Are you in?
I am countin’

1, 2, 3
Not only you and me
Got one eighty degrees
And I’m caught in between

The song is about a threesome with hippies, I guess. (Britney mentions Peter, Paul, and Mary at one point.) And it’s a transparent ploy for popularity and it’ll work, because most of middle America does not, in fact, want to have sex with three people at once. There are plenty of folks who do. I know several. I’m saying that the majority of the people who buy Britney’s records—many of them under the age of 16 or so, I’d guess—are going to hear this song and file it in the, “Ooh, Naughty” file in their brain and go back to what they were doing, which probably involves dieting, surfing the Internet, or hating their bodies, thus making the song just another bit of catchy noise that confuses us and makes us think other people’s desires should be our own. Sixteen year-olds are especially susceptible to this.

I guess my point is that the people who want to be having orgies are already having them right now or are headed out to one later tonight and don’t need a Britney song to enrich their lifestyle. The song is “racy” in a fake, “I’m-a-chick-watch-me-kiss-this-other-chick” way that only reinforces weird stereotypes about feminine sexuality and the American psyche.

Now back to “Dust My Broom.”

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