Mary Fons

I Made a Magazine And It Was Good

Mary K. — Mon, 21 May 2012 13:37:15 +0000

I made a magazine. You can like, buy it at Barnes & Noble. Let me take you through the process of discovering Quilty magazine.

First, you approach the newsstand. Wow. That’s a lot of quilting magazines.

But wait… One is standing out. There, down at the lower righthand corner of this photograph… There’s just one copy left!

Let’s take a look. If we’re going to spend our hard-earned bread on a quilting magazine, well it had better be good!

Holy cats! Why, it even FEELS good! Just picking it up feels fantastic! It’s ... Read entire post

Does This Tattoo Make Me Look Bat Sh-t Crazy?

Mary K. — Thu, 17 May 2012 04:05:39 +0000

Yesterday I met a young woman who had a tattoo of the Chanel logo on her ribcage. These things will happen.

There on her left side, writ large, were the iconic interlocking C’s. Not content to stop while she could still say one day, “Wanna see how stupid I was when I was 24?” and have people go, “Yeah, but hey at least it’s Chanel, right?” our friend spent more of her hard-earned money for the addition of what I think was supposed to be a kind of fringe off the bottom of the letters. She probably saw a gold Chanel ... Read entire post

Dr. Freud, More Coffee? Me, I’m Off to the Imperial Palace.

Mary K. — Sun, 13 May 2012 07:21:11 +0000

I would like to leave the country.

I would like to leave the country and go to Vienna.

I would like to do this within the next six months. .

It shall be done.

(You’ll see.)

PUBLIC NOTICE #1: I Will Be T.S. Eliot on May 25th

Mary K. — Fri, 11 May 2012 14:40:59 +0000

There’s a poetry show coming up. There are two, actually. This is the first PUBLIC NOTICE and there will be a second PUBLIC NOTICE, but let’s begin at the beginning for heaven’s sake.

On May 25th, I’m happy to be doing a show with Chicago Slam Works called “Dead or Alive.” Selected poets from ’round the town are going to compete against each other for bragging rights and a Twinkie, probably. It will be held at the lovely Vittum Theater at 8:00pm. What makes this competition different from your typical slam?

Half of us will be competing with the poems of dead ... Read entire post

All My Talented Friends.

Mary K. — Wed, 09 May 2012 13:31:10 +0000

On Thursday last week, I went to a cellar in the Gold Coast and I watched one of my talented friends do a standup comedy set that blew my mind. He was recording his first comedy album and he was magnificent. I will call him out by his name, Adam Burke. When his album comes out, if you have any desire to enjoy yourself, purchase this album.*

These past few weeks I’ve been performing in Too Much Light — I know, my online calendar needs updating — and I’m constantly amazed that I get to be in rehearsal, in pitch meetings, ... Read entire post

Catching You, Sleepyhead.

Mary K. — Wed, 02 May 2012 05:24:45 +0000

In the past 6 months, I have found myself not sleeping as much as I used to.

I am excited by life, I am busy, I am worried, I am probably in some hormonal cycle I know nothing about, I am curious about the day ahead, I am analyzing the one(s) that passed. Sometimes — and it’s nuts to say it here because there was a time it would’ve put fear in my heart — sometimes I sleep just four hours or so a night.

It is important to mention that I also nap. Daily. A gorgeous 20 minutes here, there.

I often ... Read entire post

List.

Mary K. — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 15:13:41 +0000

- save money - write down 5-year plan (post in heavy traffic area, e.g., coat rack, tongue) - try the scallops again - read “The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying” - read “The Tibetan Book of LIving and Dying” again - text more emoticons, fewer actual words - get new sink, install* - watch Kramer Vs. Kramer

*not you

The web video…outtake.

Mary K. — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 20:43:46 +0000

Thanks, Jack C. Newell.

Ultimately, the video going up on the front page of my site will be different — and it will be up this weekend because it’s done and it’s real nice — but this was the first attempt and it’s worth checking out. I loved making it. I loved coming up with the idea of me interviewing myself and Newell and Co. did a great job. But a) I think I look kinda…puffy. And it turned out a little too goofy. It’s great, but I don’t want to scare people off. We filmed it several months ago and ... Read entire post

Nobody Axed You.

Mary K. — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 04:31:29 +0000

No one asked me to hold up the world.

In my whole life, no one has ever said, “Yo, Fons. Here,” and tossed the world over to me to fit into my handbag or strap onto my back or suck into one cheek, leaving me with the ability to still talk out of one side of my mouth like I’m sucking on a jawbreaker. Nobody has ever done that.

Nobody ever asked you to hold up the world, either.

Curious, then, that so many of us walk around stooped over, crushed under the weight of our respective planets. It’s a cruel, painful pressure. ... Read entire post

Golden.

Mary K. — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 03:59:11 +0000

I had the good fortune to attend a most elegant wine dinner on Wednesday evening.

May I speak of it?

The dinner was held at a restaurant that Michelin — the French tire (!) company whose opinions dictate the very life/death of talented chefs and restauranteurs who work their entire lives for their moment in the sun and whose mascot is the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man — likes well enough to give a [ClipArt] star. Seeing as how Michelin gives stars out about as freely as Mitt Romney gives out compelling reasons to vote for him, this is no small feat.*

I knew only ... Read entire post