My Candy Preferences Tell Me I am 89 Years Old

posted in: Day In The Life 9
Saltwater taffy. Image: Wikipedia.

 

I do not, as a rule, spend time on BuzzFeed.com

In fact, I am not even going to open a tab and visit the BuzzFeed website and click on the”About” tab to see what BuzzFeed has to say about its vision, or mission, or evil plan for world domination. Because I do not want to be assaulted with what I will surely find there: pop-up ads, weird clickbait images that flash, and … quizzes. Lots and lots of quizzes.

Because what I do know for sure about BuzzFeed is that they are responsible for those infernal online quizzes that everyone was (still is?) posting every five seconds on Facebook and across other social media platforms. The quizzes are things like, “What Power Ranger Are You?” or “How Much Cooler Are You Than This Tree Trunk?” or “QUIZ: We Can Tell You Exactly How Old You Are By What Candy You Like.”

Now, these kinds of things can be fun. In small doses. If you don’t have anything better to do and … I’m not going suggest that you surely, surely have better things to do than take more than like two BuzzFeed quizzes in your whole, entire life but what do I know? Maybe you get great pleasure from knowing (for example) what kind of superhero sidekick you’d be if you were a superhero sidekick. I don’t know your life! Maybe BuzzFeed quizzes are research for you because you’re applying to be an actual superhero’s actual sidekick.

Anyway, I took one of these blasted things not too long ago. I cannot tell you why that was. The quiz I took was one of the ones I mentioned: the “We Can Tell You Exactly How Old You Are By What Candy You Like” quiz. Maybe I just wanted some candy at the time and didn’t have any and this dumb quiz was a stop-gap? There were big pictures of candy in the quiz, so maybe that was it.

Most of the questions were “this vs. that” questions, which basically made taking a BuzzFeed quiz like playing a video game. Click. Click. Click. Others were multiple choice, sort of. As I went through the questions, I jotted down some of them so I could tell you about it later. My selections in boldface:

Cape Cod Saltwater Taffy vs. AirHeads

Werther’s
vs. Jolly Ranchers

Skittles, Haribo Gummi Bears, Starbursts, Sour Patch Kids

Twix, KitKat, Almond Joy, Butterfinger

At the end of the goofy thing, I was informed EXACTLY how old I am, just as they told me I would. Would you like to know EXACTLY how old I am?

I am 89 years old. According to BuzzFeed. Because of what candy I like. On the internet. I am an 89-year-old woman.

That I am suddenly an octogenarian feels right in this situation. I’m awfully grouchy about the kids and their koo-koo crazy BuzzFeed internetz, after all. But I do feel a little defensive. Why are delicious candies like Werther’s Originals and saltwater taffy the selections for those beyond the bloom of youth? Why should liking a lame, lightweight KitKat make me younger, while sweet n’ crunchy Almond Joy makes me older?

But this is the problem with BuzzFeed quizzes and so much content like it on internet: The more you try to make sense of it, the more you are frustrated, because it doesn’t make sense. It’s not supposed to. It’s not designed to. Stuff like this is space garbage, internet trash floating around in a galaxy of zeroes and ones.

The good news is that I don’t have a single gray hair.

9 Responses

  1. Kate
    | Reply

    My hair is grey and my manicure choice says that I am 22, according to BuzzFeed. How can I argue with that?

  2. Kerry
    | Reply

    Hmmm. 89 too (30 years out!), but I have never eaten taffy, so I picked the box with the lighthouse because it looked nicer! My grandmother used to work at Nestles in the UK so I always got boxes of chocs and stuff for my birthday! No wonder I have a sweet tooth!
    I thought it would be fun to play, but scrolling down and seeing if they can predict how many times you visit the WC made me shudder somewhat!

  3. Barbara
    | Reply

    You are so correct regarding those silly quizzes! And, don’t get too upset…my favorite Werthers (sugar free at the moment because it’s the beginning of the year…that time of the year when we are deluged with the “lose weight” campaigns) and I totally enjoy them! And, I’m 67 years young! Take care….

  4. Jody Randall
    | Reply

    My facebook feed is filled with friends who take these very quizzes. For some reason I just don’t click and take, maybe because I’m afraid I’ll somehow get inundated with all kinds of pop ups or such. Just an FYI that as I’m typing this I’m looking at my candy jar on my desk filled with Werther’s!!

  5. susan
    | Reply

    This made me smile because I picked the very same candies as you did. I, however, am a lot closer to 89 than you are. Coffee flavored Nips and Theo’s chocolate bars are my real favorites. Have a sweet day Mary!

  6. Nann
    | Reply

    .Apparently BuzzFeed is a legitimate news source nowadays — that is, the PBS Newshour has had their reporters provide commentary. (Hypothehtical tagline: “BuzzFeed! We’re more than stupid quizzes!”) That said, I’d be interested to fin out what what question (in any quiz) is the one that trips a particular answer.

  7. Judy Forkner
    | Reply

    I stopped taking the quizzes quite a while ago–I don’t know how I could have taken your quiz, since I don’t like many of the candies they mentioned. Did they have a “none of the above” choice?
    I’m pretty much only interested in chocolate candy–& it’s a hard choice between Almond Joy & Butterfinger–can I have both?

  8. Brenda King
    | Reply

    I kind’a like BuzzFeed. Every quiz I take tells me I am a genius! I know nothing of higher math, and yet I got a perfect score! How did I do that? Maybe absorbing the info by osmosis? I too love original Werthers, Almond Joys, and so many earlier incantations of sweets. But I can’t be 89, because BuzzFeed told me last week that I am 53! ( I’m 67 1/2.) I’ve wasted too much time on phon
    y quizzes! Brenda King, Bend, Oregon

  9. Carrie
    | Reply

    I will always be a defender of the good ole BuzzFeed quiz after using them to help relieve the boredom of my daughter who was stuck in bed after surgery to repair two broken bones in her lower leg. Not because they consistently age me as in my 20’s when I am considerably older than that…no, that would never be a reason I like them. Age is just a number, right?

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