Tonight, PaperGirl, in partnership with NBC, CBS, ABC, and Netflix and HBO brings you this live, exclusive look into the life of Holiday Mary Fons, straight from Winterset, Iowa. With her now is Normal Mary Fons.
To set the scene: Holiday Mary Fons is lying on the couch, listlessly scrolling through Instagram. There is an empty pie plate nearby; HMF is wearing the same clothes she was wearing yesterday and the day before that. They’re not dirty, they’re just the same clothes. Normal Mary Fons has just finished working out and we are told she did important things all morning.
NMF and HMF have just finished exchanging pleasantries. We now go to the scene in progress:
NORMAL MARY FONS: So what happened?
HOLIDAY MARY FONS: What are you talking about.
NMF: You were going to post about the movie theater and have a special guest on and give an update on your friend. Look, I’ve got the link right here.
HMF: (Clicks on link; glances at post.) Oh, right, right. Yeah, that wasn’t me.
NMF: Don’t be silly. Of course it was you!
HMF: Nope. (HMF pulls a bag of cheese popcorn from behind the couch, begins to munch.) That’s your blog. I’m in holiday mode.
NMF: (MF looks at screen, then back at HMF, who is accumulating crumbs on her front.) I see.
HMF: Hey, don’t give me any dirty looks. I tried to be you. I had excellent intentions. But then I came to Iowa and it just happened.
NMF: What happened?
HMF: Naps. More naps. Books. Turkey. Frosting. Naps with dreams about gravy and stuff.
NMF: That’s really no excuse when —
HMF: You haven’t had my brother-in-law’s gravy. Trust me: My holiday zone is legit.
NMF: (Frustrated, pacing.) So you’ve had four days of sleeping and gravy, that’s what you’re telling me?
HMF: (Inspects fingers for cheddar cheese dust. Licks.) Yup.
NMF: Well, the party’s over. The holiday is done. It’s time to get back to school, get back to work and — are you listening to me?
(HMF has fallen asleep and is snoring on the couch. NMF goes over and shakes her awake.)
HMF: (Startled, she bolts upright.) WHAT TIME IS IT?!
NMF: Eight o’clock.
HMF: A.M. or P.M.?
NMF: You’re pathetic!
HMF: I’m happy!
NMF: Good!
HMF: Good!
NMF: Fine!
HMF: You fine!
NMF: You need more discipline!
HMF: You need more frosting!
NMF: You should’ve at least hung a sign on the blog to say you were being lazy instead of just disappearing!
HMF: But you’re the one who does that kind of thing, not me! You’re the one who hangs signs and is responsible — I just take naps! I can’t possibly write things.
NMF: Well you —
HMF: A-ha! Got you.
(NMF settles down. She takes out her phone.)
NMF: Okay, fine. I’m glad you had a break. I hope you feel refreshed, I really do. There’s a lot to do when we get home and I’m going to need your help. We need to post all the things we promised and more than that.
HMF: I disappear at midnight. You don’t have to worry about me. I feel great.
NMF: I’m slightly jealous of you.
HMF: (She produces a glass of prosecco and a two glasses.) We’ve got a few more hours, darling. Come sit down.
[END OF TRANSMISSION]