Confessions of a Scaredy Cat.

posted in: Sicky 45
Illustration by Pearson Scott Foresman. (Courtesy Wikipedia.)
Illustration by Pearson Scott Foresman. (Courtesy Wikipedia.)

 

Confession time.

I made an appointment with my GI doctor for Monday. As in, Monday, April 17th. But I called the hospital that morning and rescheduled it for Thursday, but on Wednesday, I called and cancelled it. Did I want to reschedule it, the lady asked?

“No, no. I’ll call back in a few days,” I said, and hung up and rubbed my forehead a while.

I will call back. This week. I really, really will do that and I’ll go because it’s important. It’s like, the most important thing.  But I just couldn’t do it this week.

I was too scared.

I’m scared to go see my GI doctor because I’m afraid to get bad news. I’m afraid to endure the tests that she’ll want to schedule because that means scopes and needles and stuff. I’m not ashamed to tell you that I have a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication that I can fill when I have to go do this kind of thing. That’s how freaked out I get, that’s how bad it feels, that’s how potent the fear is on account of the past.

One has to psych oneself up for these things, I told myself on Monday morning, and I was not properly psyched up. As Thursday approached, I was slightly more psyched but recalled that in the past, I have done far better at GI appointments when I have a friend go along with me. But I don’t like to bother anyone, for one thing, and for another thing — second confession — every time I think about asking a friend (or one of my sisters) to go with me to a GI appointment, I start crying because… I don’t know. I just have all these memories of being sick and all the loving things people did for me during the worst of it. And I just start hiccuping with these deep, breaking sobs and I don’t even know what that’s about. But I feel sad and I don’t want to ask anyone to do that.

Confessing to you that I cancelled my appointment twice and promising that I won’t cancel again is my attempt to be accountable. I’m going to schedule the check-up. I’m going to phone a friend. I’m going to take care of my health and I’m not going to be afraid. Or maybe I’ll be afraid, but I’ll do it anyway.

45 Responses

  1. Jeri
    | Reply

    Hugs.

  2. Dawn-Marie
    | Reply

    If it helps to know that someone is thinking of you and wishing you all the best, know that I am.

  3. Britiney
    | Reply

    I would love nothing more than to sit with you in this. But since I can’t I just want you to know how proud I am that you’re brace enough to say that you’re afraid. Much love.

    • Britiney
      | Reply

      Brave. Xo

  4. Shermie
    | Reply

    Be Brave, and know that all of us are with you, Honey! Giant hugs and back pats.

  5. Lenniesmom
    | Reply

    You got this

  6. Baa
    | Reply

    Mary darling call make the appointment then call a friend or sister to go with you.
    It’s alright to be scared but it’s also alright to accept help. I have to go to a lot of Dr appts every month because of my health concerns & sometimes they downright suck & are painfully invasive. I not only don’t have anyone to go with me but I have to come & go on a bus. So it’s really terrible, I do it because there are worse things that could happen if I don’t.
    So get it taken care of. Let us Kno when your going so we can keep you in thoughts & prayers. You are loved.
    Blessings, Baa

  7. Chris Chambers
    | Reply

    You can do this–we’re pulling for you. Hugs!

  8. Evelyne Gaudet
    | Reply

    You can do this. ❤️ Sure you can.

  9. Ginger
    | Reply

    Sweetie, I would go with you if I could. Since I can’t be there in person, I’m sending hugs and moral support instead. As Christopher Robin said to Pooh, ” You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think,” You can do this!

  10. Jennifer Reinke
    | Reply

    Go Mary. Your in our thoughts and prayers. You can do this…you have to. And your stronger than you give yourself credit for.

  11. Linda
    | Reply

    Do it!!!! And, when you get to the door with your friend or sister, look and and see that we’re all there with you. Let us know how it goes.

  12. Buffy
    | Reply

    You are not alone in feeling this way. I too have health problems that have been pretty bad at times and even seeing my GP for blood pressure pills can be stressful even though I know that she won’t call for any painful tests. I do ask my husband or daughter to come with me to my specialist if I think that that an appointment will be more than a check in. I can get so anxious that I don’t remember what was said. Ask your sisters or mom to go with you. They probably would love to spend the day with you. Schedule something fun to do with them afterwards. Make it a day where the appointment is just part of it and not the only thing you do.. you can do this. Let us know that you made and kept your appointment. We do care about you.

  13. Kathlene
    | Reply

    You are not a bother Mary. Don’t ever think that. Please take care of yourself. We – ALL – care about you! I have a chronic illness and I know how hard it is to ask for help. Ask for help. Please do it! Hugs!

  14. Deb
    | Reply

    Be brave. Brave doesn’t mean not scared, it means being scared and going anyway. You got this! Hugs to you.

  15. Kelly Ashton
    | Reply

    Dear Mary!
    There’s no shame in having anxiety meds, or wanting to have anxiety meds, or having all the feelings and feeling all the feelings…
    I’m sorry you’re going through this, and PLEASE do whatever you want and / or need to do to take the very best care of YOU! Sending love and hugs to you…

  16. Mary Kay
    | Reply

    You can do it!! Women are a tough breed 🙂

  17. Carla Gutman
    | Reply

    Mary you are stronger than you know. If I lived closer I would be glad to go
    with you and hold your hand. You can do this. Hugs

  18. Sher
    | Reply

    We all wish we could go with you. Know that we’re with you in spirit, Mary.

  19. Maria
    | Reply

    Mary i wish I could go with you. I take my husband and dad to lots of doctor appointments and caregivers seems to be mu gig these days. Pack your activity bag, make that appt, and phone a friend. We all want the best for you so we can continue to share you for many years to come.

  20. Kathy Hughes
    | Reply

    When I was in college, I dreaded exams for which I was rearely prepared, As I woke on exam mornings, I would tell
    myself “you have to only get through 4 hours – or 6 hourse,” whatever it was that day.. For four years, this WORKED!

    So, on the given day, as you awaken, tell yourself you have only to get throuh so many hours (from wake-up to the
    appointment time) and, YOU WILL!!!! Think positive…this is ineed a tried and thru method!

    “Hugs from Hughes”, Kathy xxx

  21. Carol Woodworth
    | Reply

    Mary,

    Please know that I am available to go with you any time you need someone to accompany you! I have experience.

    Hugs, Carol

  22. Kathryn Darnell
    | Reply

    I have started praying and I mean the kind of praying that moves everything out of my mind. I will join these wonderful ladies who will put you first in their hearts and minds seeking God to put a hedge of protection around you. Each one of us wants to be the friend you call because you are that important. The friend you call will be blessed because she is loved and respected by you. Have courage dear Mary. Bring something that comforts you. I bring a blanket I bring to the dentist, not kidding I do. I get myself so upset that I shake and make the dentist worried he will hurt me. Now that is not a good idea. So like a dog in a lightning storm, a thunder coat works for me. I am praying for your friend to be there when you call &89KAND a thunder coat.

  23. Becki Morrison
    | Reply

    Visualize a waiting room filled with your virtual friends and family all there with you. You will not be going in alone, but you should call someone to be present too, there is nothing to be ashamed of, and consider the alternatives…take care of yourself, you owe it to those who love you!
    ~b

  24. Robin
    | Reply

    Please know if I could I would sure go with you. I have to go to all my appointments alone, since all my kids live thousands of miles away and I lost my husband 3 years ago. However I am so glad you have someone to go with . I feel for the lady that has to take the bus, at least so far I can drive myself. You have lots of courage and you will get thru this. We are all pulling for you 🙂

  25. Marcie Weiler
    | Reply

    Mary, I had Polio at the age of 3 1/2 Months old. My whole life (I’m almost 66) has been in hospitals, doctors offices, getting x-rays and all the new tests, giving blood, I even worked in a hospital for 6 years in the administrative area. When our son died almost 23 years ago in a drunk driving accident (he was the drunk driver) a friend told me a saying that I live by now. “Growing old is a privilege denied to many.” If YOU don’t take care of your health, no one will. If you want to do things with your life, you must be healthy to do so. NOTHING IS SO SCARY AS DYING. Take care of your health and body and do the work you are meant to do. It’s important. I won’t tell you what my mother told me at 7 going in for my second surgery, it scared me half to death. But I have dealt with hospitals, doctors, tests, at least 20 surgeries, and losing my ability to walk at age 55. And I have prayed since I was 19, knowing my mobility and pain would only get worse, that I would be able to do it with grace and graciousness. Good Luck.

  26. Lori Minch
    | Reply

    Just today I read that courage is not the lack of fear, it is doing something that’s more important than the fear. I like Kathryn Darnell’s comment about the thunder coat – bring a favorite quilt with you for comfort!

  27. Neame
    | Reply

    So much supportive and wonder advice. I have nothing to add except to pile on my virtual hugs and well wishes.
    Neame

  28. Pam Williams
    | Reply

    Dear Mary: You have valid reasons for
    Not wanting to go to the GI doctor.
    You have gone through horrific
    Medical procedures and pain. And still
    Have pain and other issues. God bless
    You in your struggles. Please go with
    A friend and get the appt behind you.
    I will pray for you. Pam

  29. Karen
    | Reply

    Be Brave little one. I think I heard that somewhere. If I could I would get that tattoo on my arm to look at all day. I suffer from anxiety attacks and just sending an email to my manager can put me over the roof. Like it just did.
    I pray, I deep breath and take my stress pills and send the email. So be brave…. Or sew I do that to….

  30. Milena
    | Reply

    Mary, this is something that you have to do. For yourself. For your peace of mind. No matter the outcome, you will be OK. You are strong and brave and resilient. I’m in your corner. All the best, Milena

  31. nadine donovan
    | Reply

    You can do this Mary!!! Do it and get it over with!!! I think pro longing it will only make things worse for your emotions. I have faith in you!

  32. Karen Seitz
    | Reply

    You’re singing my song. I make myself physically sick thinking about going to the doctor for check ups and tests due to past experiences, and then I can’t go. I definitely feel your pain and fear. Hugs to you.

  33. Barbara
    | Reply

    You have so many people who care about you Mary. Ask your sister or a friend, it’s always easier when you know someone who cares is out there in the waiting room. I’m sending you a hug. xo

  34. Cara
    | Reply

    PTSD. It’s real. It sucks. I believe in your ability to go anyway, using whatever you need to make it happen. We have your back. And maybe the anticipation will be worse than the appointment? I will hope so.

  35. Cindy Beal
    | Reply

    Mary, you are with kindred souls. I feel exactly the same way about doctors (and dentists, to a lesser degree). The mere thought of it makes me wig out. And if I lived nearby, I would go with you. Hugs!

  36. Diane
    | Reply

    Mary, Thanks for sharing this. My daughter has a congenital heart defect and is heading toward her 4th open heart surgery in her 34 years – in the next month or so. She has full on PTSD and struggles with serious anxiety – a lot. It’s hard for her and hard for us to watch her deal with it.

    Knowing that she’s not alone helps. Sorry you have to deal with it too. :::::hugs:::::

  37. […] confessed the other day that I am scared to go see my doctor. I don’t have my appointment, yet, but I do have about nine friends who […]

  38. Karen
    | Reply

    If you lived closer, I’d go with you if you’d promise to go with me. I have UC too, and yeah, I dread it. It’s time for my checkup and I don’t want to go either. I usually go alone too, for the same reasons you do. Hugs, and I’ll be praying for calm for you. I need it too.

  39. Tammie
    | Reply

    Oh, Mary, I wish I could go with you. Many hugs to you! Please keep us posted as to what you find out! I’ll be praying that every thing goes smoothly!

  40. […] doctor’s appointment is scheduled. Heather’s going with me. I love you, […]

  41. Kay
    | Reply

    You’ve taken the hardest step and made up your mind to go. You can do this. Proud of you and prayers coming your way. Let us know how it goes.

  42. Maureen
    | Reply

    A Strong Woman
    is one who feels deeply
    and loves fiercely
    Her tears flow just us abundantly
    As her laughter….

    A Strong Woman
    is both soft and powerful
    She is both practical and spiritual….

    A Strong Woman
    in her essence
    is a gift to the world….

    Mary, YOU are that Strong Woman.
    YOU are a gift to the world.
    YOU give us all love, life and laughter.
    YOU are so amazing!
    YOU are so sweet and kind and good.
    YOU are a constant inspiration, with all that you do.
    YOU are so special.
    YOU are the kind of person that everyone wants for a best friend.
    If I had ever had a daughter, I would have wanted her to be just like you.
    YOU are strong, sweet girl.
    We are all with you.
    So many people love you.
    YOU will get through this.
    Keep smiling your beautiful smile.

    Love and hugs from Canada

  43. […] few weeks ago, I confessed that I had been putting off seeing my GI doctor out of fear of what she would tell me. Many of you sped to my digital side to give me a digital hug […]

  44. […] wouldn’t be PaperGirl if I didn’t make a confession every few weeks, so here goes the […]

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