The Funniest Things I Have Ever Heard. (Don’t Get Too Excited.)

posted in: Day In The Life, Joke 20
It's an outhouse! Image: Wikipedia.
It’s an outhouse! Haha. Image: Wikipedia.


On the bus the other day, I was thinking about the funniest things I have ever heard. I wasn’t thinking “What are the funniest stories I’ve ever heard?” and I wasn’t thinking about the funniest jokes I’ve ever heard, either. You might be thinking, “What else is there?” but I can explain.

You see, I remembered something out of nowhere that I hadn’t thought about in years — and I recalled that, at the time I came across it, I had never heard anything so hilarious in my entire life. I was eight, so don’t get too excited.

It was a little handwritten sign in a bathroom in Door County. The sign read:

“If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.” 

I was helpless with laughter. I had never known anything more genius and silly and funny and gross in all my life. It was a real gem for eight-year-old Mary, let me tell you. Clearly, it stayed with me.

So after thinking about that for awhile and, yes, chuckling a little (mostly about me at eight, giggling until I could hardly breathe, not so much about the pee thing), I wondered about other things like that. What were the other funniest things I have ever heard?

The second thing that came to mind happened when I was in high school, so again: No need to brace yourself for nuanced, sophisticated comedy, here. I was working as a waitress at the local Pizza Hut.

…and that’s it. That’s the funniest thing: Me, in high school, slingin’ pies at the local Pizza Hut.

I’m kidding! Although there is some comedic value to that sentence. It has something to do with the word “Hut.”

But seriously: The Pizza Hut’s manager’s name was Steve. That poor guy. He had a bunch of ne’er-do-well high school kids to corral all day and his “office” was a computer shoved into corner near the walk-in. He could’ve been a jerk — but he was so nice! He was understanding and cool but never inappropriately cool. Like, Steve wouldn’t buy us beer or let us take pizzas home for free. Steve was great. He was also a real cornball. That means he told corny jokes and was fond of puns.

One day, I got to work and Steve had clearly gotten a haircut. I said, “Hey, Steve! You got your haircut!”

And Steve snapped his fingers and pointed to me and said, “No, Mary: I got ’em all cut.”

I blinked. I cocked my head. And then I got it. And I loved it. I thought it was genius. Ha! Got ’em all cut! Because you don’t get a hair cut! You get ’em all cut! Oh, man. What a knee-slapper.

The other other thing I came up with was that my friend Nellie told me in college that she and her sisters, when they were kids, used to roll down this hill in the backyard. One day, her sister pooped her pants as she was rolling down the hill and after that, they called it “Poopy Hill.”

Yes, I am aware that two of the three of the funniest things I am claiming to have ever heard have to do with the bathroom. I sincerely hope that if I keep thinking about more wildly hilarious things, this will not be the case.

20 Responses

  1. Nicole Hannah
    | Reply

    Continuing your theme…What’s brown and sticky?

    • Mary
      | Reply

      A stick, a stick! 😀

  2. Lauren
    | Reply

    Overheard on transit: (child wailing) “but I don’t WANT to ne all tired out!”. Also from a bus, just a snippet: “if you’re in a desert, you’ve got nothing else to do; name the damned horse”.

  3. Susan
    | Reply

    Here’s mine… getting my hair cut, one stylist was at the coke machine nearby holding a dollar near it and dumbly staring at the ceiling. After a while he turned to us and said, “What?!? It says to insert the bill FACE UP!”
    Ahh, Ross! Funny man and heir (hair) apparent to a salon dynasty. Ross the Boss is his dad and also the name of the salon chain…

  4. Barbara
    | Reply

    Remember “Right Guard” deodorant? Well, when I was about 10, I wondered “what do you use under your left arm.”
    Crazy, huh? But true. I still laugh about it.

  5. Carmen
    | Reply

    I have a couple- when I was a tween I came across a bumper sticker in a parking lot that said “If You Tailgate Me, I’ll Flick A Booger on Your Windshield”. I laughed about that one for years. 🙂

    The second on still makes me giggle, I’m embarrassed to say. In the cartoon movie “Meet the Robinsons”, the bad guy yells at a T-Rex’ “Why haven’t you seized the boy?!” And the dinosaur answers “I have a big head, and little arms!”, while struggling to reach for the kid. Please don’t ask me why I think that’s funny. 🙂

  6. Kathy Isaacks
    | Reply

    Thanks for starting my day with a giggle everyone!

  7. Jody
    | Reply

    When my oldest son was 5 yrs old we were at the grocery store one day. There was a very elderly man with a cane (like in his 90’s) in our aisle. I stopped near him and as we both were looking at the shelf for whatever it was my son just studied the old man and his cane. Finally he said as we started to move on “Mommy! That man has a kick stand!” I wanted to laugh but was afraid he may have insulted the old man but he turned and looked at my son, grinned and said “Yes! that is a good way to put it!” I still smile about that today 32 yrs later!

  8. Janice
    | Reply

    My grandma had a embroidered sign in her bathroom that said “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat.” Just a little variation to the version in Mary’s story. I still giggle when I think about my prim and proper Grandma hanging this in her bathroom! Maybe it was an Iowa thing?

  9. Nadine donovan
    | Reply

    Thank you for he smile you brought to my face..

  10. Lindsey
    | Reply

    I’ll add two more:

    . An exasperated father at Disneyland growled to his crying three year old” if you don’t start having fun I’m going to spank you:!

    A piece of typing paper taped to a restroom mirror: “March is don’t pick your nose month”.

  11. Jeanann
    | Reply

    The “hair cut” is now part of my repertoire. Thanks for the laugh.

  12. Kerry Leach
    | Reply

    What is brown and sounds like a bell?


  13. Nancy McFall
    | Reply

    Continuing the T Rex theme: If you’re happy and you know it clap your…oh wait.

  14. Jo Chalk
    | Reply

    Teaching my toddler son right from left…putting his shoe on his right foot I said ” this is your right foot”. He looked at me and very sincere, “is that my Wrong foot?” While pointing to his left!

  15. Judy
    | Reply

    “Poopy Hill” is histerical. Thanks for the laugh!

  16. Jennifer
    | Reply

    When I was a kid, I loved my neighbor’s “Welcome to our OOL, notice there’s no P in it. Please keep it that way.” sign!

  17. Barbara
    | Reply

    Also, when my son was about 4 years old, he asked me why they throw rice at a wedding, and I told him it was to wish the couple a happy life together. He then said to me,”mommy, when I get married I want them to throw devil dog pieces at me.” When he did
    get married, his bride who knew the story, had at each place setting at the wedding, a devil dog with a ribbon and note attached with this sentiment, and asked “but please don’t throw them at us.” I smile every time I think about it.

  18. Betty
    | Reply

    Sitting here thinking of funny stories, they all seem to involve my mom. Sure do miss her but the stories live on.

  19. […] about sad stuff and bad stuff and gross stuff. But she bounces back. She’s a total dork, a complete spaz. She has perspective and she knows who she is. I love PaperGirl. She’s definitely real. […]

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