I Kicked My Sandwich

posted in: Day In The Life 8
Amazing. This is a picture from Wikipedia showing the EXACT LOCATION OF THIS STORY. Pretty much. Image: Wikipedia.


I was hungry for pizza, but there wasn’t time.

This was three days ago, when I was connecting in St. Louis on my way to Baltimore. I know the St. Louis airport well, so I knew there was pizza to be had at the California Pizza Kitchen (CPK) but I also knew I couldn’t trust the St. Louis airport CPK to get me a pie before I had to get on the plane. Oh, they say they can make your pie in under 10 minutes, but they can’t. They are very nice people but they never, ever can ever do that.

I knew I’d have to grab a different snack, but I really needed something hot. You know how it is, how you get when you travel — or maybe when you don’t travel — and the thought of consuming a handful of dumb trail mix or a dumb bag of chips just makes you feel despondent and wan while the thought of a Hot Item Of Some Kind gives you the strength to go on. You know that feeling, right? That’s where I was the other day.

On my way to my gate, having resigned myself to eating trail mix and/or chips for dinner, I passed by a Starbucks. Because I am trained by Jeff Bezos* to want the things his company sells, I thought:

“Oh. That egg-white sandwich thing. That’s hot and not horrifying. I’ll get one of those.”

So I approached the counter and I ordered my egg-white sammy and waited for the gal to heat it up. When she wrapped up the sammy in the paper and handed it to me, I have to tell you: I felt happy. I felt a mini-frisson of energy, a zap of hope that I could take up arms against a sea of troubles — at least until I got to the east coast.

“Thank you,” I said to the nice girl at the register, probably too intensely. “Thank you … so much.”

And so I’m walking to my gate. And I’m adjusting my attaché and  re-hitching my purse up on my shoulder, when … plop.

Egg-white sammy down.

Ah, yes: I had turned the paper bag the wrong way as I was adjusting my things and that Starbucks sammy just fell right out onto the airport floor and came completely apart. I didn’t know what had happened at first; a rounded egg disc made for a Starbucks breakfast-style sammy does not make sense out of context. I mean, I felt something drop as I was walking and as I looked down, I thought, “Okay, I think I dropped my sammy,” but I didn’t stop walking because I was not yet computing, so as I’m trying to compute, I kicked the egg disc. Not on purpose, of course; it’s that I was walking and adjusting and obviously dropping egg-white sammy components and before I could stop everything and avoid contact with the sammy pieces and/or regain my dignity (lol), I kicked my own food.

I bought a sammy and I dropped it in the airport and then I kicked it.

That was new. That was a new experience, traveling.

Oh, I muddled through. Within 45 minutes or so I was nestled in 6D, munching airplane peanuts and drinking white wine. I had a drink coupon from Southwest, you see, so I got the wine. Because I fly a lot. And that’s what I get. I get coupons for white wine and packets of peanuts and when you are the kind of person who accidentally kicks her “delicious” dinner down an airport terminal on a Tuesday night, these kinds of perks are real. Real good.

*Wait, wait. That’s not right. Jeff Bezos is the Amazon guy. The Starbucks guy is the other guy. Zuckerberg. 

8 Responses

  1. Anita M
    | Reply

    So sorry about the sandwich but you can’t blame either Bezos or Zuckerberg for Starbucks. You need to find a Peets far superior.

  2. Kim S
    | Reply

    When you grow up you should be a writer. That was laugh out loud funny! You are a clever gal!

  3. Annette
    | Reply

    Man I needed that laugh today! I love your blog and your sense of humor. I can’t stop laughing.!

  4. Kathie Hood
    | Reply

    . . . So Mary Fons every airport should have mandatory a food location that serves the best chicken noodle soup and warm homemade biscuits!! Don’t ya think that would calm your hunger… Here in Seattle Tacoma Airport don’t look for Ivar’s anymore as the Port Commission headed by the daughter of our former governor got rid of our local seafood super star where you could have gotten one of the best Clam Chowders in the world…. Safe travels and call next time you are in Seattle and I will bring you soup to the airport….. Kathie

  5. Marcia Hicks
    | Reply

    Bezos=Amazon, Zuckerberg=Facebook, Starbucks= Gordon Bowker, Jerry Baldwin, Zev Siegl

    That’s OK Mary, when you move to the Pacific Northwest you’ll get them straight, especially since Starbucks was started in Seattle in 1971! We love our Starbucks here in Portland!!

  6. Diane
    | Reply

    The only thing that would make this funnier would have been a squished egg white sandwich in the airport photo. Safe travels!

  7. Sarah
    | Reply

    Too, too real! Good save having the wine. Life can be so hard. Sigh.

  8. […] and open. We know that. I talk about sad stuff and bad stuff and gross stuff. But she bounces back. She’s a total dork, a complete spaz. She has perspective and she knows who she is. I love PaperGirl. She’s […]

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