PaperGirl Blog by Mary Fons

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Graduate School Countdown: 10 Days!

posted in: School 3
Timeless, hopefully. Image: Wikipedia.
Timeless. Image: Wikipedia.

Writing graduate school starts in 10 days. Ten days!!

I’m having anxiety. I haven’t been a full-time student since undergrad at the University of Iowa and that was 15 years ago. Sure, there’s been a Spanish class here, a seminar there, but starting August 31st, my autodidacticism* will have to scoot to make room for real-life teachers who will like, grade my papers and stuff. I make a point to process a lot of information from day to day, but so far I have not required myself to write essays that I then grade and hand back…to myself.

“Sophie,” I said to Sophie the other day. “I’m nervous about school.”

My friend looked at me like I told her I was thinking of changing my name to Bazooka Joe.

“Why?”

We were at my place. I was sitting on the floor in a pool of fat quarters, selecting fabric for a new quilt because patchwork kills anxiety on contact. Sophie was at the table, inking illustrations for her book. She’s got a book deal with a big-time publisher and is headed into her second year of our two-year program. (I think I’ve mentioned she hired me at the paper and made me the best birthday cake of my life. We were possibly separated at birth but now we are together so everything is going to be fine from now on.)

“There are so many unknowns,” I said. “It’s overwhelming.”

Sophie put down her paintbrush. “Mary Fons,” she said, and then she said it again, but in italics: “Mary Fons. Stop talkin’ nonsense. You are about to have the time of your life. You are about to begin the most wonderful, happy, exciting, amazing two years in your life. The writing department, the school itself — it’s fun. It’s so fun.”

Of all the words I’ve used to describe my concept of what this whole thing is gonna be like, “fun” hasn’t yet been one of them. “Thrilling,” yes, “exciting,” yes. But I hadn’t thought about fun. Maybe it was that first tuition bill.

“You will fall in love with all the professors,” Sophie said. “They’re amazing. There’s a constant stream of incredible visiting artists and lecturers. And Mary: It’s the Art Institute. You can go sit in the museum anytime you want and write, or draw, or just be. For free. Every day. I’m jealous that you’ve got your entire two years starting and I only have one year left.”

Since Sophie’s pep talk, I have been less anxious. Writing, reading, learning, asking questions, making things, being challenged, and making discoveries — this is indeed my jam. I’ll figure out where my classes are, get some school supplies (school supplies, how I have always loved you!), and I’ll be okay.

I can’t wait to tell you about my classes! They are so cool.

*Fancy

 

The Fons Sisters’ ‘Natty Gann’ Freestyling.

posted in: Family 0
The girl. The movie. The John Cusak. The dog. The poster. Image: Internet.
The girl. The movie. The John Cusack. The dog. The poster. Image: Internet.

This morning, for no discernible reason except to make us both happy, I suppose, my friend Kristina texted me a picture of Natty Gann from the 1985 Disney film The Journey of Natty Gann. I nearly choked on my tea. What a memory!

My sisters and I loved that film. She was inspiring and tough and a girl. Natty’s ragamuffin style has influenced our sartorial choices at different times in our respective lives. I’ll wager both my sisters have, as I do, a tweed newsboy cap that is perfect for chilly November days in Chicago and New York and I’m 100% we all have at least one pair of fingerless gloves. From The Journey of Natty Gann, my sisters and I got a good role model, fashion advice, and a deep desire to own a wolf and ride the trains like a bum.

Thinking they would get as much pleasure from this out-of-the-blue picture of Natty as I did, I texted it to both Hannah (older sister) and Rebecca (younger sister.) What transpired was so life-affirming and weird, I thought I’d better share it with a wider audience:

They freestyle rapped about Natty Gann. Both of them. For awhile.

“What do you mean, ‘freestyle rapped about Natty Gann?’ you ask. Well, I’m about to show you.

What follows are actual transcripts of the rhymes my sisters made about Natty Gann this morning, totally off the cuff, via text messages. I just watched it all happen. I have no idea how they were doing this so quickly. The first one to the plate was Rebecca.

“This is a rap about Natty Gann; she’s a cool chick who doesn’t need no man.
Looking for her daddy with her new friend Harry; they got some chemistry maybe one day they’ll marry.
Her dad’s a logger workin’ in the rain; Natty’ll find him, just gotta hop this train.
Her best friend’s Wolf a.k.a., a dog; he’s a bada**, you can’t even see him through fog.
Natty’s got style, Natty’s got class; don’t call her girlie, she’ll kick your a**.
Natty Gann!”

Within a matter of minutes, Hannah replied with this:

“Natty Gann got a dope newsboy cap; she wears a lotta tweed and takes no crap.
The Great Depression was no joke; her dad took off cuz er’yone was broke. 
Natty walked da Earth to reunite; she and Wolf were mad brave, and it turned out alright!”

There was apparently time for one more, from Rebecca:

“Natty Gann, Natty Gann, sorry ’bout your momma; them’s the breaks in Depression Era drama.
Look on the bright side, you can hang with a Cusack; and you just got a bindle, a.k.a. a hobo’s pack.
As a kid I remember thinking your dad was real hot; please heat me some beans in your little vagabond pot.”

I love my sisters very, very much. They show me that while I’m weird, there are others like me.

 

 

 

Ice Cream For Breakfast: A Ben & Jerry’s Review.

posted in: Food 1
That wooden paddle makes me sad. Photo: Wikipedia.
That wooden paddle makes me sad. Also, no caramel core to be seen. KEEP IT. Photo: Wikipedia.

I don’t keep ice cream around.

“How come?”

Because ice cream is delicious and it always looks better than anything else in the kitchen when it’s time to eat something, or when it’s not time to eat anything. If I don’t have a pint of Fancypants Farms Artisanal Organic Honeycomb Cashew Creamy-Time Gelato in my house, I’m less inclined to want it. Besides, that stuff costs eleven dollars!

But the other night, feeling, as my older sister would say, “a type of way,” I went into the 7-Eleven and bought a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Salted Caramel Core ice cream.

Back home, I took off the lid to find a chilled pool of thick, slightly salty, golden-amber-colored caramel, circled by a ring of sweet cream ice cream and — because stopping there would be out of the question — chunks of blondie brownie studded throughout.

Now, butterscotch is my favorite flavor of cavity. But caramel runs a close second because caramel is the poor man’s butterscotch and I’m used to it. (I guess everyone is poor because I never find butterscotch anything except in doctor’s offices and they never have the good kind.) My point is that the ice cream I had in front of me was 90% perfect in every way.

I put some in my mouth. And I realized that being an adult is very, very hard.

No one is watching you. You’re grown. If you choose to do something that puts you or someone else in danger, e.g., aspirating ice cream, you’re not going to get a spanking (unless you want one) and you’re not going to be sent to your room. You’re not going to get fined for eating a pint of Ben & Jerrys Salted Caramel Core Ice Cream at 9 p.m., or at 9 a.m, or both. It’s totally up to you. Totally. That’s a frightening amount of freedom. Too much?

I ate half of the pint, a spoon in one hand and the pint in another, except sometimes I put the pint down so I could smack my hand on the arm of the couch, grunt with pleasure, and yell, “Good God!!” and then I was back to it. I would’ve kept going but something very, very, (very) far back in my head whispered, “You will regret this… Wait until tomorrow at noon… No, eleven o’clock…”

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not against ice cream, enjoying it, or having it frequently, as long as you’re balancing things. But I am quite sure this particular ice cream has literally been engineered to shoot straight past “delicious” into “cocaine receptor.”

That food was otherworldly in its effect on me. I can’t buy it again unless I’m sharing it. I like my heart and I like my bluejeans. Eating a pint of Salted Caramel Core ice cream on an even semi-regular basis is not good for either, and I am not woman enough to stop eating it once I’ve licked the lid of a pint of the stuff.

It’s a jungle out there, guys — and sometimes, the beasts are caramel.

 

Ze Scrap PaperGirl.

posted in: Day In The Life 0
I have no idea. Image: Claus, sort of, and me, kind of, and a scanner.
I have no idea. Image: Claus, sort of, and me, kind of, and a scanner.

 

I’ve been getting nice mail from attractive and intelligent people who are new PaperGirl readers. May I be the first to welcome you! (There’s no one around here but me, but just the same.)

Today’s post is about how everything I print out of my amazing, obnoxious printer has German philosophy on the back of it. But for this to be entertaining in any way, new reader, I have to tell you about Claus.

If we were at a party and you introduced me and Claus to your eight-year-old niece, you’d say, “Suzie, this is Mary. And this is Claus. Her special friend.”

Claus is a German philosopher. He has many letters after his name and he has written numerous books in both Fancy English and Lofty German. He is tall and says funny things. We spent a wonderful year together going on road trips, learning from each other, aggravating each other, and growing as individuals. I miss him, because Claus moved back to Germany in May and that was hard, but — and let’s go with this explain-to-an-eight-year-old thing:

“Suzie, sometimes two people who care for each other very much can’t be together.”

“Why not?”

“Because the timing’s not right.”

“What’s timing?”

“Let’s see if there’s any Jell-O salad left.”

When Claus moved back to Berlin, he had a lot of papers that he didn’t need/couldn’t take with him: reams of photocopied passages and chapters from various German texts he used in his research. I’m a big believer in using paper twice if possible, so I happily absorbed all that paper into my Paper Cupboard. Now, unless it’s official business (e.g., contracts, stern letters) everything I’ve printed out for the past five months and will print out for the next year will have terrifying German academic writing on the back.

It’s a nice memento, actually.

“Suzie, did you know that Claus sent Mary a big box of birthday presents on her birthday all the way from Germany?”

“He did?”

“Yes, he did. Wasn’t that nice?”

“Yes, Auntie. Claus is a nice man.”

(Good girl.)

 

When In Doubt: Make Pralines.

posted in: Day In The Life 0
My pralines. Photo: Me.
My pralines. Photo: Me.

I like Mondays.

It’s true. Monday is my favorite day of the week. I was born on a Monday and even though one of the most popular songs in the world the day I took my first breath was “I Don’t Like Mondays” by The Boomtown Rats, I like them. I like Mondays.

Tomorrow is Monday; I plan to grab it and squeeze. My hope is that the good ol’ engine of the standard work week will get my head on straight; I haven’t had this tough a time focusing since I had my last big surgery. I’m behind on everything and though I’m acutely aware right now that none of it really matters, the late fee on my condo assessment did wonders for yanking me out of the pain of the abstract. I simply must get things done tomorrow.

Tonight, as I did laundry and tidied, I decided I’d cook something. Cooking or baking always helps a black mood. Well, unless you burn everything up. If you scorch the cookies or the cake falls, well, that’s bad. You’re going to feel worse, maybe a lot worse. But it’s worth rolling the dice, especially if you feel truly rotten. There’s nowhere to go but up!

I made pralines. Pure sugar and pecans, baby. They’re a bit runny, but it doesn’t matter; I think you get your I Love Pralines Club membership revoked if you turn down a praline because it looks uneven. I’m going to send most of them to my Aunt Leesa; we made them the last time I went to see her and we ate them all in about 24 hours.

PaperGirl “Pralines of Love”

Note: Google the whole “ball stage” candy-making deal before you jump in. And get a candy thermometer. And BE CAREFUL. Okay, and making candy is super, super fun. Yum!
  • 1 1/2 cups white sugar
  • 1 1/2 cups packed brown sugar
  • cup half-and-half (or milk and creme fraiche mixed because you didn’t have any cream, drat)
  • 3 T. buttah
  • cups pecan halves (I think I used a little more than this because yum, nuts)

(1) Butter the sides of a heavy 2-quart saucepan. Put the two kinds of sugar and whatever dairy you ended up with into the saucepan. Get a wooden spoon and be ready to stand and stir awhile. Cook the mixture at medium-high heat to boiling, stirring constantly. You want to dissolve the sugars, and this will take 6-8 minutes. BE CAREFUL BECAUSE LIQUID CANDY IS BASICALLY NAPALM. SERIOUSLY, BE CAREFUL BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

(2) Clip your candy thermometer onto the side of the pan. (Make sure the thermometer isn’t hitting the bottom of the pan but sits a bit above it.) Reduce heat to medium-low; continue boiling at a moderate, steady rate, stirring occasionally, until thermometer registers about 235-degrees F, or “soft-ball stage.” This will take 16-18 minutes. *TIP: It’s better to go a little longer here than to short yourself; I think that’s why mine were runny tonight.

(3) Remove pan from heat. Gently slide the butter into the pan. Don’t stir it. Let it all cool to 150-degrees F. (This should take about 30 minutes and get your pecans ready while you wait and get your parchment paper or wax paper ready, too! It’s almost showtime.) Remove thermometer. Stir in pecans. Beat vigorously (!) 3 minutes or so with your wooden spoon until candy begins to get thick—but try to keep it glossy-looking.

(4) Drop candy by spoonfuls onto parchment or waxed paper. Work quick-like-a-bunny because this stuff becomes spackle as it dries.  (If your goo becomes too stiff to drop, stir in a few drops of hot water.) Let them cool awhile. Then eat nine of them. Then put the rest in a tightly-covered container.

Yields: I don’t know. They’re always different sizes and I eat some before I count.

 

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