I get spam.
A few months ago, I got so much emailed spam that it shut down my inbox and it was horrible. The only thing worse than having an avalanche of email is having no email at all. That’s some spooky Halloween stuff, let me tell you. Usually, though, I have a manageable-but-still-life-depleting amount of spam and, like everyone else, I just have to delete it.
My blog gets enough traffic that now I get spam comments, too. Not that many; WordPress has pretty solid spam filters. But when a couple came over the transom the other day I thought I’d have some fun with them. Not the same kind of fun I had with this internet-age S.O.B. (a bit of mischief I’m still quite proud of, honestly.) No, I thought it would be amusing to have a conversation with one of these comments, just between me and “him,” right here, so as to highlight their absurd nature and to get my mind off the stabby feelings.
I’ve taken the spam comment verbatim from the source. It’s not a long spam comment, so the conversation will be brief — this time. I’ve got a few other spambot comments stockpiled for a special occasion. Next time, I might not be so nice.
CONVERSATION WITH A SPAMBOT
by Mary Fons and Unidentified Spambot
SPAMBOT: I see you don’t monetize your blog
MARY: Do you actually see things? Or are you just chains of code trash written by some sorry soul for reasons few of us shall ever understand?
SPAMBOT: don’t waste your traffic
MARY: If by “traffic” you are referring to my readers I object. Are you suggesting I plunder my readers’ trust and time for my own gain? And what sort of gain are you suggesting I’m wasting? A pox on you, sir!
SPAMBOT: you can earn extra bucks every month because you’ve got hi-quality content.
MARY: You legit just said “hi-quality.” With an “h-i.” At least you’re right about the quality — or are you “rite” about it?
SPAMBOT: If you want to know how to make extra bucks,
MARY: I’m listening.
SPAMBOT: search for: Mrdalekjd methods for $$$!!!!!!
MARY: Wow! You are like, super legit and not sketchy at all. I’ll be in touch!
SPAMBOT: Really??? It worked???
MARY: Nope.
Kerry
Brilliant! LOLOLOLz!
We tend to get a lot of phone rubbish here on the landline (I guess it’s the same for folks elsewhere) so now we just leave it to answerphone. The best one was a survey which was recorded – an automated lady who was asking questions and then left a gap and then finally said thank you – and that went on for a while until the allocated time cut her off!
But for my email apart from other junk, the funniest I have are Russian ladies wanting to make me a happy man. Well, I don’t think I want a sex change just yet – I’m happy being female!
Melanie
This is great! Afterall, if we can’t have a little fun with this we might just go crazy. I love when someone can take the humorous approach. I try to just delete, delete, delete but it’s so tiresome and I “only” get about 25-30 per day. I didn’t realize there was a “comments” spam bot. Ugh.
Susan
I recently bought Make + Love Quilts. Thank you for such a delightful book! I am really enjoying it. Today I am pretty sure I am going to sew up some green churn dash blocks, just a few rogues, one or two perhaps, into my mostly brown, purple, orange and cheddar quilt. Just a couple. I am so glad I’m not spam. I’m real!
Paula Y.
I’d been getting calls offering to update windows on my computer. I usually let them go to voicemail and ignore it. But one day I’d had enough and actually answered. The conversation went like this – “Ma’am, you need to update Windows on your computer”. Me- in my best confused old lady voice ” Oh no, my windows aren’t on my computer, they’re in my walls, you know, so I can see outside.” Caller, “No, I mean the Windows software on your computer.” Me, loudly knocking on my kitchen window, “No, no, my windows aren’t soft, they’re hard, see.” This conversation went on like this for a while, my husband giggling like a girl in the background and me trying to keep a straight face. The caller finally hung up. And, you know, I haven’t received a similar call since!!
Patrice Denault
Ha ha ha. Well done!