PaperGirl Blog by Mary Fons

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15 Dec 2017

Start Smiling: I’m Teaching Humor Writing in January

by Mary | posted in: Word Nerd, Work | 3

Dog with a pipe, c. 1933. Photo: P.B. Avery via Wikipedia.

As most of you know, I have been teaching writing workshops and short-term classes at the University of Chicago’s Writers’ Studio for a couple years, now. My popular 4-week course in blogging wrapped up a few weeks ago and a group of my students are taking me out to lunch next week, which I take as a sign that they enjoyed themselves and learned stuff!

About a year ago, I was asked to pitch a new class for the winter term and I knew just what I wanted to teach. Here’s what I pitched and, indeed, what I’ll be teaching in a matter of weeks:

Humor Writing Survey — 6 weeks
Mondays, 10:00 – 12:30 p.m.
Jan. 8 – Feb. 19, 2018

Q: What do SNL writers, standups, New Yorker cartoonists, Thurber, Lebowitz, and Freud all have in common?
A: They’ve all spent a lot of time thinking about what makes people laugh. Now it’s our turn.

In this seminar/survey course, we will read humorous writing and respond to it: everything from TV scripts to stage monologues, from essays to short stories (and much more) in order to better understand the how of humor. You needn’t be a comedy-writing hopeful to take this class! This is a survey for anyone wishing to better appreciate — or emulate — the greats.

Expect guests: Chicago improv artists, standups, and other humorists with experience. You’ll generate work, too, and we may take a field trip.

Would someone pinch me? I get to hang out with a classroom of people interested in reading funny writing and talking about that writing? I get to assign homework to people willing to try and write, say, a piece of satire or burlesque? Yes! I do! I get to do that! And I also get to share all I’ve been learning about the history of humor writing over the ages. There’s a lot to say about it, I won’t be able to get to absolutely everything (and it is a new class, after all) but my interest and excitement is hard to measure.

The good news is that the class is already half full; the bad news is that the slots will go quickly. What if you miss it??

If you’re in Chicago and you can manage a six-week course on Monday mornings for a couple hours, you will not regret it. Because it’s going to be amazing. What a way to start the year, right?? Reading P.G. Wodehouse and excerpts from The American Bystander and talking about the difference between parody and irony?? Sounds like a good idea to me.

You can find info about the course right here.

I’ll see you downtown.

13 Dec 2017

My Hair Struggles, or: ‘The Best Things In Life are at Walgreens’ (Part II)

by Mary | posted in: Day In The Life | 20

It’s clay, it’s clay!! Image: Wikipedia.

I told you on Saturday about my shameful hair/scalp secret and I told you I’d share about my big breakthrough solution the very next day.

Lies!

First, I was eaten by arduous tasks. Then it was urgent to implore us all to be good citizen consumers (there is still time to be one, by the way!) These things had to be done. I had no idea when I posted that first post that it would all go down like this and I truly apologize for leaving you in the lurch. But it’s time to get down to business and I feel that the second part of this post ought to begin like the first one did. With a confession.

Over the past 18 months or so, I have spent an embarrassing amount of money in the pursuit of remedying my wimpier-than-ever hair. I don’t know how much I’ve spent, exactly; that’s a good thing. Consider that the last shampy I bought at Sephora cost 40 dollars. Forty dollars. For a shampoo! Not all of the products I’ve tried cost that much but … a lot of them did. I’m telling you, I was desperate.

And one of them should’ve worked! The fancy salt scrub that promised to rebalance and restore? Yeah, right. I looked like a frizzball and the big chunks of salt fell on my toes in the shower and hurt me. The bee pollen-whatever that was supposed to balance and bring my natural pH whatever to the whatever? Perhaps no bees were hurt in the making of the product, but no Mary Fons hair was improved, either. Thanks a lot, bees.

Some of you are thinking I should try a dry shampoo, maybe a decent hairspray. Oh, I tried ’em, all right. And they seemed to make things worse. Even fance brand dry shampoos would inevitably leave some crazy film on my hair that I felt put me back a few steps overall.

What a nightmare, all of it. I even bought a vitamin supplement! To take with my iron and my calcium! I took it for almost two months! No change. Zero. I was a wimp as wimpy-haired as ever.

So then the other night I’m at Walgreens waiting for a prescription. Out the window, fat, wet snowflakes were coming down. I saw my reflection. Sure enough, my hair was dying — it was 6 o’clock, after all, and I can’t have hair that lasts more than seven freakin’ hours or so without looking pathetic. I sighed audibly and thought, “Aw, hell, maybe there’s a shampoo at dumb Walgreen’s that’ll help me. Might as well look.”

I was at a big Walgreen’s in the Loop (State Street and Monroe, I believe), so there was a lot of shampoo on offer. Too many to navigate without help, I decided, so I pulled out my phone to and tapped in, “good shampoo oily scalp walgreen’s.”

And that’s when my life in hair changed.

That night, I discovered L’Oreal’s “Extraordinary Clay” line of haircare products, specifically made “for oily roots and dry ends.” The bottles were a bilious green, but I did not care that night, nor do I care now. I bought each of the components: the shampoo, the conditioner, the hair mask. I got home, put it all near the shower, and went to bed.

The next day, I grumpily went about my morning ablutions. Honestly, I had zero faith that the stuff would work. (Why would it? The super-fance stuff sure didn’t.) But I did the hair mask, anyway. It felt weird. I looked like a Kewpie doll. Whatever. I grumbled through my mask time, though I had to admit … I had never tried a hair mask. Maybe it would do something. Hm. Then I did my shower thing and used the shampoo and conditioner.

And after I combed and blow-dried my head, my hair was silky. It was not limp. Friends, my hair was better.

Like, way, way better. I hated taking so long to get back to you on all this, but really, it’s good thing; I’ve been able to use the Extraordinary Clay stuff for a few more days and now can give you a better review.* I’ve used the stuff twice, now — the mask just once — and I’m telling you: My hair is fluffy. Let me repeat that:

MY HAIR IS FLUFFY.

That’s pretty exciting. I’ve got the fluff!

Maybe the Extraordinary Clay “system” will cease to fluff me after awhile. But for now, I’m telling you: This stuff is awesome. And it sure ain’t 40 dollars a bottle. So I’m in a good mood. I’m smiling like a dork. The best things in life are at Walgreen’s.

*NOTE: L’Oreal is not paying me in money, products, or anything else to say any of this, but THEY ABSOLUTELY SHOULD.

12 Dec 2017

PaperGirl Readers Unite: We Gotta Save Net Neutrality, People

by Mary | posted in: Work | 14

This is not from Wikipedia. This is from the open internet and it’s looking at you.

My friends, you have a task today. So do I.

We have to, have to call our members of congress and tell them to save Net Neutrality. As your favorite blogger, as your buddy, as Pendennis’s mom, I beg you to read this and make that call.

Right away, you must understand that saving Net Neutrality is not a political issue. Saving Net Neutrality has nothing to do with who you voted for for president. It’s got nothing to do with tax cuts, gun control, or the election in Alabama today.

Saving Net Neutrality is about saving ourselves from very, very big businesses that do not care about us. They do not care about me. They do not care about you. The only thing these fat cats care about is making money — all the money — and we have to stop them. At least on this, at least today.

“Mary,” you say — and you’re so annoyed because I promised to talk about the shampoo I found for my wimpy hair — “I’ve heard about this Net Neutrality thing but I’m sorry, I don’t totally get what it is or why it’s a big deal.”

I know. I totally know. This stuff is so complicated. I didn’t get it at first, either. Let me try to break it down in my own words.

Net Neutrality (sometimes called “network neutrality” or “net equality”) is the principle that internet service providers like Verizon or AT&T — governments, too — should treat all data on the internet equally. It means that pages/content won’t load faster or slower because someone decides it should. The neutrality of the net also means that if you want to find information, you’ll find it eventually. No one is blocking you from seeking and finding things if you really want to find them. We all take this access for granted because it’s always just been like this. The internet was designed to be free to roam. Think buffalo.

Let me make it practical. You don’t have to pay more to load Facebook than you do to load PaperGirl. Me n’ Zuckerberg, we load at the same speed. That’s important. All websites, like people, are created equal — or they should be.

Let’s get more detailed, though, with a different example. Let’s say BigCrafty decides to offer longarming services. Well, right now, BigCrafty can’t pay Verizon to load faster than your friend’s longarming website, because — wait for it — the net is neutral like that. It’s a level playing field. Yeah, BigCrafty can buy ads and do pop-ups, but you know you’re being advertised to and you know how big BigCraffty is, that they can afford to get all up in your bidness. A neutral, level playing field means is that your friend can, in theory, compete with BigCrafty because this is a great country. This freedom your friend has to make her longarming business a success (from her freakin’ basement!) is what makes this country great, again and again, every day.

Last week, the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) announced plans to dismantle Net Neutrality. What that means is that powerful, huge, “too big to fail” internet providers like Comcast, Verizon, AT&T will have free reign to slow down sites they don’t like. Just because. They will be able to totally and completely block stuff out of your google searches, just like that. Zap. It means that these icky-poo companies that do not care about us will be able to slice and dice the internet into slow and fast lanes. Why? Because that would make them so, so, so much money. Because we would then have to pay to play, like we do with cable. And your friend’s longarming business? Forget it. It’ll load slower and slower and people will just go with BigCrafty because BigCrafty loads instantly. Because BigCrafty’s in bed with Verizon. Because a guy knows a guy at the FCC. Because the more little guys they squish, the more people see BigCraftsy, faster, and then the fat cats get their bonuses because the bottom line starts looking terrific. Better than ever.

You and I won’t make that money. Verizon will make it all. They will not share. Do not, under any circumstances, get that twisted. Not now. The stakes are too high on this.

I hope I explained it okay. There’s a lot more to it, I know, in terms of ramifications and how it all works. But these are the basics and you know — you know — I have come to you with “issues” so rarely. So this must be really important, right? Right. It is. I care about the internet because the internet is how you and I know each other, day in, day out on the ol’ PG. It’s just a blog. But it’s us. I don’t want Comcast’s grubby fingers all over my monkey, you guys, and I don’t want them getting in the way of what we have.

Find out who your representative is with this great little website: https://callyourrep.co and get their phone number. Then call them. Today. They’re supposed to vote on this thing on Thursday. We gotta get ahead of it. When the office of your rep picks up the phone, just tell them “Save Net Neutrality” or “stop the FCC from dismantling Net Neutrality,” or, “Save Net Neutrality or the monkey dies.”

Anything. Say anything. Whatever you do, save the internet — now.

11 Dec 2017

My Hair Struggle: Back In 5 Minutes!

by Mary | posted in: Day In The Life | 4

Graffiti in Shoreditch, London, c. 2014. Image: Wikipedia.

Peeps!

I haven’t forgotten about the all-important follow-up to my last post. Believe me, this is knowledge I am excited to share and many of you said you’re looking forward to the intel. But yesterday got kookoo-bananas and today is the same; it’s maybe even double kookoo-bananas. I don’t often do a “sorry I can’t post” post — it’s like, just do it or don’t, Fons — but I really left you hanging last time and I feel bad. Saying I’m gonna write something straight away and then not doing it is no bueno. Pendennis let me know in no uncertain terms.

So it looks like I can get back here to write Part II tonight or I create blog magic tomorrow. Either way, you shall not be kept in suspense much longer, I promise. I know you’re arranging your entire day around the ol’ PG. (Just kidding. Unless … Are you?? I love it.)

Yours In Bananas,
Mary + Pendennis

9 Dec 2017

My Hair Struggles, or: ‘The Best Things In Life are at Walgreens’ (Part I)

by Mary | posted in: Day In The Life | 17

My sentiments exactly. Image: Wikipedia.

I really deliberated about whether or not to share what I’m about to share. Because it’s embarrassing.

But the trouble is, it’s also good content. I mean, I know you’ll like this tale about my hair because ultimately, I like this tale about my hair. In this way, it’s inevitable: I have to tell you. This is the plight of the gal who has a blog about her life and who cares about being open with the readers who read her blog about her life. Sometimes, stuff gets real. Things are divulged.

Okay, here goes: I have a rather oily scalp.

Have you ever seen two words put together that were more unattractive than “oily” and “scalp”? I mean, “oily” ain’t ever good. It ain’t good in a puddle, it ain’t good in a pasta dish, and it sure as oil ain’t good when you’re talking about scalps.

And “scalp” has a hard, hard life. As a verb, it’s nightmarish; as a noun, it’s never not gross. No lover, ever in the history of the world, complimented his/her lover’s scalp. Scalps. Scalps! Just say it and you get the oogs. Scalps can be flaky. They can itch. They are differently toned than the rest of the body, oftentimes, and they feel chickeny. Most scalps involve hair, and hair is objectively weird.

Which brings me to my objectively weird hair. My hair, and yes, my oily scalp.

(It’s very hard to type when I’m groaning in shame with my eyes squeezed shut. I gotta get it together, here.)

So I have wimpy hair. My aunt Leesa used the term a couple years ago when I was visiting her in Sacramento. We were lamenting our hair issues and she said that it was a thing for Fonses, that wimpy hair runs in the family. (Thanks a lot, Gramma!) What “wimpy” means is that our hair is really, really fine. And while it doesn’t thin, it sort of is thin? If that makes sense? I’m telling you: It’s just wimpy. It doesn’t hold a curl well. It does not “volumize.” It might get “tousled” but it doesn’t stay “tousled.” It’s wimpy!

Well, over the past year or so, my hair has become more wimpy than ever because my scalp seems to be increasingly … you know, rhymes-with-foily. I don’t know much about hair, but wimpy hair like mine probably should stay away from, say, moisture; viscous substances; salves; pomades; goopy things; and, oh, I don’t know, maybe oil.

I used to be able to wash my hair every other day and that was good because of like nine reasons, one of which is that’s a lot of dough for shampoo, y’all, and another is that I do not have time to be washing my hair all the time for Lord’s sake. Yeah, well, these days, my hair is wimped out by the end of the day. Sometimes, it’s a matter of hours before I feel self-conscious about it. Please don’t picture me with Canola dripping off my head: It’s not like that. But whatever adorable poofiness I had going on when I left the house is so far gone by the time I get home in the evening, I’m baffled. And woe to me I run out of time to take a shower and wash my hair the next morning. Oh-ho, but I am a gross greaseball and I just want to put a hat on my head or cut the stuff off and be done with it.

And while I’m kind of making light of it, and “wimpy” is a funny word and it’s just hair, after all, we all know how tough the hair thing is, right?

One of the worst moments in my health crisis was the day my hair started coming out in clumps in the shower. And how inconsolable we become when we get a truly terrible haircut! And are “bad hair days” not a thing? They are. And the guys in our lives who lose their hair are often deeply shaken by the experience. Hair is complicated thing for a lot of people, including me. I want to feel attractive like anyone else. I want to feel cute, to feel sexy. And when the hair thing isn’t right, it feels really bad.

Tomorrow, I shall tell you how I have been battling all this, how I have spent a painful amount of money to remedy the situation, how many futile attempts I’ve made, and how I just might have found a solution in the most unlikely of places …

Okay, I found the solution in Walgreen’s. And a drugstore is not an unlikely place at all to find a solution to this problem. I just wanted to write, “in the most unlikely of places …” with the ellipsis after it, so you’d hear it like a line from a movie trailer or something.

Does anyone else have this problem, by the way?

See you tomorrow — with the good news.

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