Splendor On the Grass.

Molly Ringwald, smoking grass in John Hughes' The Breakfast Club.
Molly Ringwald, smoking grass in John Hughes’ The Breakfast Club.

Everyone is smoking pot!

Correction: Many people, not including me, are smoking pot!

I’ve been running errands all over town and I can’t make it two blocks without walking into, out of, or through a cloud of weed smoke.** It’s not because marijuana has been legalized in Illinois; I’m pretty sure we all would’ve heard if that had happened. No, all these people are out in flagrante because it is achingly beautiful outside: the Chicago winter was truly horrific and no social contract, K-9 unit, or stroke of blue lightening is gonna stop a grass smoker on a gorgeous May day in the city from takin’ it outside.

I couldn’t care less, you understand. I kinda like the smell of pot. That funky, piney, skunky smell, it’s kinda great. And around Chicago, where folks make a living trafficking in such things, you smell some pretty dank weed, too, real hydroponic stuff. To me, weed smells like contraband, like kids, like a party, like the woods. Those things are all right.

As for smoking it, no way. Oh, I’ve tried. But I hate it. Just hate it! Isn’t that something?

When various friends offer me grass or I find myself at a social gathering where people are smoking, I pass every time. This is because marijuana makes me sleepy, desirous of high quantities of food (any food), and swiftly renders any feeble powers of cognition I possess utterly useless. Twenty minutes into the whole thing, and I’m curled up on a chair (any chair), eating Nutella from the jar, going on incessantly (either in my head or aloud, always hard to say) about how I’m embarrassed I am that I can’t remember what I just said, or if I said it, or if how I said it came off right and do you have any almonds? orange juice? marshmallows? leftover broccoli? chips — oooh, chips??

I just get super lame. It’s almost like I have an allergy. Perhaps I’ll try that the next time I’m offered weed:

“Oh, no thanks. I can’t smoke. I’m allergic.”

“Really? Woah. What happens? You get hives or something?”

“No, I get completely lame.”

Smoke away, my smokey friends. Let the Mary Jane muses of spring call out to you, let the long holiday weekend follow a loopy, endless trail of purple haze; let your picnics be filled with really really really good fried chicken and sangria, and let your connection be in town and answering his phone. May you feel soft earth under your bare feet after our hard and punishing winter and may you have a lover to squeeze nearby (and may that lover finally not be wearing five layers and a puffer coat so you can get to more of him/her.)

I beg you all, above all, to be safe: don’t drive cars if you’re stoned or drunk. I like you too much, you and all your dopey, lopsided smiles.

**I like to think Weedsmoke is a little-known, low-rent version of Gunsmoke.

5 Responses

  1. Taylor
    | Reply

    Here’s the smell of pot for you… I worked in a cold case homicide unit for 3 years and made a few trips to the evidence warehouse… The smell is so strong they have a separate room where they store all of the seizures… Imagine 3,000 square feet floor to ceiling bags of pot. That is one strong smell. Otherwise known as a stoner’s Disneyland. 🙂

    • Mary Fons
      | Reply

      Holy cow!!! Yikes, Taylor! What an amazing job you had… Wow. I so wish I could interview my readers — wait a minute! That’s a great idea! I should totally interview my readers for PaperGirl posts from time to time! (Okay, you are seeing the genesis of an idea as I have it.) Standby…

      • Taylor
        | Reply

        Ask away, I would be honored to take your reader interview virginity ( I hope that’s as funny as it sounds in my head). 🙂 I can say for all of the flack that cops get, being a small part of solving decades old cases is the most fulfilling work I’ve ever done. It’s amazing to tell someone 25 years later that the person who took their loved one is finally behind bars for the rest of their life. 🙂

  2. Susan Davies
    | Reply

    My husband used to take medical marijuana for pain and last summer I thought I’d take some because I wasn’t sleeping. I ate two sections of a chocolate bar he had in the freezer. I woke up in two hours with anaphylactic shock! I have never been so sick. He couldn’t believe I had done that. It turns out that people with plant allergies can be allergic to marijuana. I used to be a big fan of medical marijuana but I’m not so enthusiastic anymore. It was a terrible experience. He threw the rest out. If I had taken any more than I did we would have had to call 911.

    • Mary Fons
      | Reply

      Oh dear!! Eesh. I’m glad you’re okay, Susan… 🙁

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