Mary Fons, Chips

Google Analytics reveals much. But lo, like the Oracle at Delphi, the Great Google Analyst In The Sky conjures more questions than answers. Oh, Great Google Analyst In The Sky, what secrets do you hide? (Cue synthesizer music, fog machine.)

According to Google Analytics, the top-rated searches that lead to this site are:

Wow, okay.
Let’s discuss.

What can we learn?

Well, people like to get the dirt. Am I divorced? how long ago? pregnant? how recently? diseased? in general or in a specific place? But we know already that people are like that. Heck, I’m like that. Scuttlebuttery is to the Internet as puddin’ is to a long-john donut: inevitable. And bad for you — and delicious.

That “mary fons divorce” comes up before the actual URL to my website is a little weird, but all right. And I look at the words “divorce” and “cancer” attached to the googling of my name and feel a little defensive. But who knows? Maybe those searches are born of concern. I have been very sick in the past and I am divorced. There you go: your search has ended.

The “is mary fons pregnant” search throws me into a mini-funk, though. It really is true that television makes a person look wider than they are in real life. I went through a phase when I enjoyed wearing geometric tunic tops with black tights and kitten heels. A good look walking down big city streets, for sure; on television, not so much. I look like I’m wearing a different mu-mu on every show that series. Why would I be wearing such strange, diaphanous clothing on TV?

Well, many people thought I was pregnant. A woman actually came up to me in Sacramento and whispered, “Mary, I hope you don’t mind if I ask, but… Were you pregnant?” I opened and closed my mouth like a fish for a few seconds and then the woman realized she did that thing that you’re never, ever, ever supposed to do. I said, reflexively, “You’re not supposed to ask people that.” She blushed nine ways from Sunday and that was the end of the conversation. But seriously: what if I had been pregnant? I don’t have a baby. If I was pregnant in the recent past but don’t presently have a baby, we could conclude one of a number of sorrowful outcomes had occurred in my life. Best not to ask a person that. Just google it when you get home.

Enough of that. We need to consider that other google result. You know, the other one up there. Third from the bottom we see:

Chips.

Chips!?

Just “chips.” Not even “Mary Fons, chips.” But it has to be. People have to be typing in something that connects my name with chips. I’m picturing potato chips, but is it paint chips?? Chocolate chips? Chip-off-the-old-block chips? Cow chips? How can we know? Separated by a comma like that in a search engine field, it sounds like a command to eat potato chips: “Chips, Mary Fons.” Typed the other way, it’s like I’m being introduced by a friend to chips:

“Mary Fons, chips.”

“How d’you do, chips?”

:: crunch, crunch, crunch ::

“The pleasure is all mine. That’s a lovely blouse.”

I can’t explain these search results. I do not understand “chips.” But I am happy with the wisdom and insight you have brought to me, Google Analytics. Please let me know if you would like me to make a burnt offering, or perhaps tithe to you a small goat served with chips and a pop.

11 Responses

  1. Jenny
    | Reply

    Ha! This made me laugh right out loud. With snorts and all! I don’t know you but I can totally see you acting out an introduction to chips. 🙂 By the way, I Googled chips to see if it would lead me to you. Alas, it did not.

  2. Hano
    | Reply

    CHIIIIIIPSSS!

  3. Andres
    | Reply

    Maybe there was a Mary Fons on the CHiPs TV show. “And our special guest this week: Mary Fons as Officer Jan Dorn”.

  4. Christa Quilts
    | Reply

    Oh, you crack me up!! Or maybe I should say you “crunch” me up??

  5. Shari
    | Reply

    You are an amazing and fun lady to listen to. I love your energy. Thanks for a cute giggle post today!
    ~Shari

  6. Mary Kate
    | Reply

    The best part of this blog post is the list of SEO tags you yourself created. May “mary fons existential crisis” bring you many more hits.

    • Mary Fons
      | Reply

      I’m so glad you noticed!!! Mary Kate, that is absolutely part of the post each time — my little jokes. 🙂

  7. Kristin S.
    | Reply

    I have a little sewing blog. (it happens to be called “And Chips”!) But I’m frequently surprised by the word search terms Blogger tells me that brought people in. Once, more than a year ago, I stitched up a little stick horse ornament and hosted a giveaway and now, I get a lot of people searching for “free horse to good home.”

  8. Sherrill
    | Reply

    Hello Mary Fons, I have a confession to make. I saw you on PBS on Saturday — the show with the thread expert from Iowa –and wondered what was up with that red thing you were wearing. So I did what anyone would do today, I googled Mary Fons and saw pregnant, which I was thinking, and illness, of which I was unaware. So I used my google finger and noodled around and found out about your sickness and eventually found your blog. I had some portion of my intestines removed many years ago, so I understand your issues. I spent a while reading your blog and, again eventually, came across your rumination on google analytics and lo and behold, there I was, a person who googled you to find out if you were pregnant. I am not sure what you think about the fact that folks google you and I am also unsure what I think about the fact that I did so. I once had a Judge tell me he had googled me and asked me if I collected Pez — which I do and this can be determined from other folks’ entries on google — and he promptly gave me a Pez. It was a pleasant encounter with googling, but when I went home and googled myself, the fact that my house was in foreclosure was the first thing that came up on my screen. Instant embarrassment and I wondered what the Judge thought. It still is in foreclosure 4 years later but I digress, suffice it say it is a principal about breach of contract and the mortgage industry. Anyway, if you have gotten this far, I am impressed. You are a very interesting person and your blog is well written and I will come back to it. Your have a wonderful world view and I like it. I write legal briefs, am learning to quilt or whatever it is I do and I hope to see you at some point in your quilting travels. And don’t let the complainers get you down, they are everywhere and if they had a life would probably not be so critical and would enjoy someone showing them some new skill. Oh and I don’t know the chips thing either. Sherrill

  9. […] Here’s why. […]

  10. […] I’ve mentioned before, one of the top five google searches people do on me is “mary fons husband” followed closely by “mary fons divorce.” I get fan […]

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