1. Never enough candy punkins
2. People hang enormous fuzzy spiders all over their front porches
3. People hang enormous rubber zombies all over their front porches
4. People hang enormous gauzy ghosts all over their front porches
5. People hang out in enormously inappropriate costumes on their front porches
6. Pumpkin spice liquor (See No. 5)
7. Orange and black are gross colors together
8. Plastic Things
9. Fake blood, real blood, blood mix
10. Not all children who trick o’ treat come prepared with a joke or trick
11. If you dress up to go to a party, you have to try to drink a cocktail without the use of your hands or mouth or both, as they are covered, wrapped up, hidden deep in a plastic lobster claw (see image), or coated with oil-based paint, usually green.
12. Everlasting Gobstoppers
13. Itchy
14. Snow possible
15. Deep brooding on entropy and decay as the faces of jack-o-lanterns begin to rot and cave in on themselves
All the pumpkins go first. Then the regular candy corn. Then the chocolate-topped ones. Photo: Wikipedia
Sometimes I sit down to clack out the ol’ PG and the post writes itself. Other times it takes forever to put things together in a non-awful way and I fail at that all the time. I enjoy writing every time, but on nights like tonight, when I’m sleepy but still committed, I hope for a post that is simple to put together, one that doesn’t demand much research or intricate weaving of information.
It’s not going to happen tonight because I have hit a goldmine of information about my all-time favorite candy: the mellowcreme pumpkin.
Yes, the mellowcreme pumpkin; that Agent Orange mellowcreme pumpkin with the Wicked Witch stem. Woe betide the man or woman with a cavity, for that chubby candy will cause you to wince and realize you really need to get that looked at before you reach for another and just chew on the other side.
I didn’t need any other information about candy punkins to enjoy them but now that I read the Wikipedia entry on them, I love them more than ever. Apparently, the pumpkins are considered “candy corn’s first cousin,” which is adorable. Then, I learn that the pumpkins are made of “corn syrup, food coloring, honey, and sugar…beaten and heated in large kettles to produce an ultra-sweet syrup. This syrupy mix generically is called “mellowcreme” by confectioners, since the resulting candy has a mellow, creamy texture” and I thought the “mellow” was a play on “mallow,” like “marshmallow!” No. Then one of my favorite words in the English language was engaged in the description of the next step: “the mellowcreme slurry then was divided into two uneven amounts, with the large amount receiving orange food coloring and the smaller receiving green food coloring.”
Slurry!
I realize that was the work of the author of the post, but it adds to the charm of pumpkins, as well as this sentence: “Once dry, the candy is shaken violently to remove excess cornstarch and a final glaze is added to give the candy pumpkin a sheen.”
Violently!
So now I love mellowcreme pumpkins more. In high school, I’d keep a big bag in my locker and distribute them to my friends between class. Anyone could’ve just bought their own bag, but mellowcreme pumpkins taste better when they’re contraband and given as a gift. You could call them “hot punkins.”
This summer’s road trip taught me two things about myself:
1. I can wash my hair in a bucket
2. I should probably slow down
The first is straightforward. The second thing is something that I’ve been told for years and for years I have not known what it’s supposed to mean, nor how one does it or why a person would want to do it. How do you “slow down” life? Do you go to the beach more? I don’t like going to the beach. Is it choosing to sleep in until 11am on the weekends? Sleeping that late gives me a headache and half the day is over. I like the day! You sleep! These people want me to be less scrappy, cunning alley cat and more laze-on-the-sun-porch farm kitten.
Here in my thirty-sixth year, I’ve inched just a bit closer to understanding what this concept means. For me to be a farm kitten, it would mean taking fewer gigs, traveling less. It would be doing less TV. It would be sleeping in (or at least not getting up at 5:30am most every day.) No more flying back and forth from DC to Chicago. There are certain things that I have incorporated into my life since the trip that are smoothing me out a bit, if you will: heading to bed earlier, more yogurt, allowing myself to watch documentaries on Netflix and just watch them and not feel like I’m wasting my life if I’m not drawing, sewing, etc. at the same time.
Outside those things, though, I’m not slowing for a second. I mean, you gotta be nuts. There is so much cool stuff coming up. There always is! There’s so much to see and do and make. I’ll lie down later and when I do, just think how sweetly I’ll sleep.
One of my favorite writers told a story about how a friend of his said, “Stop working so hard; you’re burning the candle at both ends.” My favorite writer said, “Yes, but it gives a lovely light.”
This photo is public domain, but let’s all hold ABC responsible for the time it held the copyright.
I am wishing so hard that I could offer all the alternate names I’ve come up with for the gameshow pictured above. Sadly, that sort of content is best saved for PaperGirl: After Dark. So far, that blog does not exist, though it absolutely should. I’ll let you know.
As I mentioned recently, I’ve had a galaxy of question marks spinning ’round my head. With a ginormous project about to launch (just a few more weeks and I can spill the beans) and a Very Big Decision I’ve made (you’re gonna flip when I tell you), I’ve been asking myself many questions. Here are twenty of them.
1. What time is it?
2. Was that my phone or yours?
3. Did I seriously forget to buy yogurt?
4. What day in November should I move back to Chicago?
5. I’m so comfy in bed but I kind of need to pee before I turn out the light. Should I just try to sleep it off or get up and go now so I don’t have to get up at two in the morning?
6. Are PaperGirl readers passing it along to other people because that would be so wonderful?
7. Am I correct in thinking that a forty-year-old woman in good shape is hotter than a twenty-year-old girl in good shape?
8. Did you hear that?
9. Did my tenants in Chicago take good care of my home?
10. Did I come to Washington and stay a year longer than planned because I was running away from something and if so, what was it?
11. If I’m such a hardcore existentialist, how come I hated Crime and Punishment so much?
12. Are you kidding me?
13. Do I still enjoy eggs or do they gross me out?
14. Will the person I went on the road trip with this summer be in my life in a significant way in the future or was that whole thing just a brilliant, brightly shining, but ultimately isolated moment in time? (There were less-shining and isolated moments, like this one.)
15. Do my friends in Chicago miss me?
16. Is it wise to have a box of chocolates in the fridge right now?
17. Is Yuri reading this?
18. Will I ever have enough money to have someone do my hair every day?
19. When’s the next time I’ll be in a hospital bed?
20. Seriously?
Oh, this is fun. I could more. I could do really, really good ones on PaperGirl: After Dark. You’ll be the first to know.
Chicago! Quilters! And friends! And friends of quilters! And their pets:
Did you know there’s a new quilt shop in Chicagoland? You didn’t? Well, now you do. Katie and Lisa, both handsome and imminently capable women, have opened up The Quilter’s Trunk and I’m to be the first big, juicy event they hold. (That is a terrible sentence for several reasons but mostly because it makes me sound like I’m a pig they’re going to roast in a barbeque pit.)
The event is next Saturday, October 10th, starting at 10am at the shop. I’ll be giving two lectures — one in the morning, one in the afternoon — signing books, doing mini-demos, takin’ pics, and enjoying the company of fellow quilters. If you live in the area, you should come because you can:
1. support a new quilt shop in your area
2. shop for things to help you make perfect objects (quilts)
3. hang out with me
4. probably eat snacks
Go to the Quilter’s Trunk website for more info and contact information for the shop. The lectures will have limited seating, so I wouldn’t wait long to call.
